I redownloaded it

So, my journey with singleness has been a fairly short one so far. I went to my church workshop series yesterday and at this point I had deleted and redownloaded bumble 3 times (at this point I had it downloaded). One of my small group members asked me how it was going and I told her I redownloaded it. She kind of asked me why but in a sense of, why are you disobeying God. I texted her that God was speaking through her in my journey of singleness but apparently I’m weak. I don’t want to feel alone and I don’t want to ruin any potential connections. I’m really struggling with this because it’s not easy.

Bumble provides me with a means of instant gratification. A means of mapping my potential connections with people who I never (or unlikely) would have met otherwise. I like being complimented and I like feeling like I’m valuable. I know this is not the right way to do it. I want to delete it again but I can’t bring myself to do so. In particular, there is one guy who I am talking to on there kind of off and on but I don’t want to ruin that potential friendship. I’ve decided to stop swiping but keep the app just to see if he responds or not. In a week, I will make my decision to delete it altogether if God’s will desires it.

In other news, I don’t know when I’m starting my co-op position for the summer. I don’t know what date we are starting or what project we are doing so that’s giving me some anxiety. I’m trying to plan everything around that but I can’t if I don’t know when we will be starting. My sister is going to Mexico too and I can’t even go because I don’t know when my co-op is starting. I’m feeling very sad about this and some major FOMO. My friends are also going to Vegas, which I just found out two days ago and they invited me to come but I for sure can’t go because I’ll be missing the first few days of my co-op and I can’t do that. I’m just feeling stressed and anxious about this right now.

My finals are also not finished yet so there is another source of stress. I’m feeling sad and alone, like I can’t really do anything to help myself with this exam. I’ve been studying hard over the past few weeks but there’s just so much information to know and not that much time yet, as well as my limited brain capacity. I know I just need to power through for the next few days but it’s been hard. It’s been really hard. I’m at a very low point right now in my journey to freedom and just in general. Let me know what you guys think of if you’re experiencing the same things.

Love always,

-R