So, a thing happened today. By a thing, I mean I sent an email. As those of you who have read my previous posts know, I’m currently working a lab position at my school for a self-directed co-op. Basically what that means is that I got external funding to do research and learn research techniques for the whole summer semester (May-August).

As mentioned in my previous post briefly, it’s been really difficult. My supervisor is difficult to contact and doesn’t respond right away. My hours have been crazy and the other student who I am working with is away right now so I’ve had to pick up all of the work. I am working with a PhD student as well and she is away at a conference right now so it’s basically just me and another one of the PhD students who I’m not working with as closely.

My co-op advisors emailed me on Friday and asked to send them an update on how it was going so far. It’s been a solid two weeks so essentially I have a pretty good idea of what the co-op looks like and what I’m doing so far. I responded two days later (yesterday), and I just received a response this morning.

To all the people who feel like they don’t have a voice, you can do it. I’m in the process of doing it right now. Since I got this job outside of the co-op department and because the hours are really crazy right now, I was completely honest in my opinions and what I had to say on the matter, while still informing them that I didn’t want to miss out on any of the experiences or lose the co-op position. I expressed my concerns about everything, but mainly the hours and days that I am working because I don’t think that it follows employment standards.

In the email that I received today, I was assured that I would not lost the co-op position and that they wanted to meet with me to discuss what’s specifically going on in the co-op. I have been really pleased with the co-op department because I am essentially paying for this resource but they are so helpful and are always very prompt in the email replies. I’m a little nervous about what will happen at this meeting but I’m excited to know that hopefully my hours will get better.

I am so incredibly grateful to be given an opportunity to work in this lab. I have messed up a bunch of things already but I am constantly working on improving myself and the work that I am doing. Hopefully when the hours get better, I’ll be able to help more, have more of an essential role in the lab and be able to plan my life around my work. Thanks for reading my rant of the day. 😛

Love always,

-R

Okay, so it’s been a while since I’ve posted in this blog. I’ve been busy. For one thing, I got a paddleboard so that’s pretty cool. The weather has been nicer which is great for going on some hikes.

I went on a hike with my coworker and we met some boys at the hike. That was an interesting experience. They were both really cool guys too 🙂

Work has been crazy busy. I’ve been working most day because I have to feed the animals so that’s fun. I’ve already messed up on A LOT of really nit picky detail things because I think that I’m sleep deprived. I feel super bad about all the mistakes that I’ve made but I’m still learning after all.

So yeah, that’s my quick little life update.

I am so grateful for the beautiful weather that we had last week. Hopefully it comes back soon!

Love always,

-R

So, I’m doing a co-op. Today was actually my first work day. I’m so excited and honoured to be able to work in the lab. I am actually interested in what I am studying and get to work hands on with animals in cool mazes and things. I find this information relevant to our everyday lives.

Some not so great things about it. I get paid about minimum wage. I keep telling myself it’s for the experience and not for the money. I don’t have a set 9-5 schedule. Since I am working with animals, sometimes I have to come in at odd times to feed them or test them, such as late in the evening, early in the morning, or on weekends. It makes it difficult to plan my life because I’m just basically planning it around the animals. I have to get more used to being more spontaneous with my hikes and other plans with friends.

In other news, I bought a paddleboard! I’m super excited to try it out when it gets here in a few days! 🙂

So yeah, that’s the life update. Sorry I haven’t been keeping up with this. I’ve been busy having my trainings in the lab for three days at a time, 12 hours apart, so that’s fun…

I am grateful for:

1. The opportunity and funding I am given to work in this lab and knowledge that I will gain from the PhD student
2. That I have enough money and access to buy a paddleboard (I’m stoked)
3. That I don’t have to pay for rent right now (I live with my parents) because I won’t be making enough money to support myself.

Love always,

-R

So…..

It’s been a few days since I have posted and it’s been a whirlwind of a journey! I am currently on a path towards freedom and I can’t say that it’s been the easiest journey by any means. The visual representation of my journey is that I was on a pretty straight path and a few days ago, I was still in the trough. To any people who are thinking they need some freedom from the shackles of pain, I one hundred and ten percent recommend this program called freedom session. I’m not going to lie, it’s super difficult in the beginning and you have to relive your painful memories but the past three days, have been the most difficult and the most rewarding.

On Wednesday (two days ago), I finally did my freedom session homework and I forgave myself. That may not seem like such a difficult thing but I was living with a lot of burdens, a lot things that I didn’t want to live with, and that I didn’t want to share with anyone else. Jesus came down though and paid for all of our sins already, we just have to forgive and live a life that truly glorifies him. I honestly felt lighter after I sat in my room, prayed and just forgave myself.

Yesterday (Thursday), I decided it was time for me to forgive the people who had hurt me. Again, Jesus paid for all of their sins on the cross and holding the burden of resentment and bitterness with a possibility of obtaining fairness or exact revenge was ultimately just hurting myself. Forgiveness is something that I didn’t think I really needed because I didn’t trust those people who hurt me but trust isn’t forgiveness. Forgiveness is not trust. Forgiveness is accepting what has happened and coming to terms with it, but you don’t have to trust that person or be friends with that person by any means. I can’t stress enough how good it felt to forgive.

So yeah, for forgiving myself, I decided to stay at home in my bedroom and just get it all out. For forgiving others, I decided to go on a hike to the top of a mountain. I sat there, secluded from everyone else and just prayed as I looked out in the distance. It was truly calming to me because I love hiking and I love nature. I can’t stress enough how great this truly felt. Eventually people came, so I went to the bottom of the hike, and I sat on this wooden bench that overlooked the water and I could see where I was on top of the mountain. I could see how far I had come so far.

I saved the hardest ones for last though. It took me about half an hour to truly come to terms with what they did, relive the memories individually and forgive the individuals for all that they did. I felt God tell me to actually reach out to a few of these people and actually forgive them so I will be doing that in the coming days. I’m super nervous but I know that that will make me feel even better.

God is so good.

Love always,

-R

Tomorrow I have my final exam for the semester!

I can’t help but feel like I haven’t studied enough because there’s so much information and so much that I still don’t know. I’m going to try my best and that’s all we can do.

In other news in the lab, I have an official start date of May 6th! I’m super excited and nervous and everything in between but most importantly I’m excited. I won’t be taking classes for the summer which will be supppeeerrrr nice!

That’s all I wanted to say, just a quick update.

Until next time, love you lots,

-R

Yesterday I was at a really low point. Yesterday and the day before actually. I didn’t have work but I still felt like I had so much to do and I just felt like the whole thing was just not even worth it. My body just felt heavy and I questioned what I was doing with my life. I questioned what was happening in general.

The councilor that I spoke with was really sweet and supportive. He almost seemed like a father figure in a way. He essentially just reaffirmed that I didn’t have to deal with questioning my major now and if I wanted to go to grad school, it didn’t matter what I did for my undergrad. It was just nice to talk to someone who understood. He basically told me that “exam time is an exception” and that honestly resonated with me so much. I didn’t need to go to the gym and I didn’t need to eat healthy. There is truly nothing quite as stressful as exam season and it just sucks. Any exams that you guys are going through, I really feel for you. Just put in the time and the effort because you truly got this.

1. Thank you to the councilor in Ontario, I don’t remember your name but you made my day better
2. I only have one exam left and for that I am very grateful, even if this sucks
3. Chicken. I’m sorry to the animal lovers but chicken is my favourite proteins and I had these amazing chicken nuggets today.
4. Cake. One of my coworkers is leaving to become a police officer and she brought a retirement cake. It was so cute and I was very excited to see that.
5. Work. For keeping me active and moving around instead of sitting at a desk and pondering my life. It keeps me distracted and moving.

For all of you guys going through more exams right now, you’re almost done and you got this!

Love always,

-R

So, my journey with singleness has been a fairly short one so far. I went to my church workshop series yesterday and at this point I had deleted and redownloaded bumble 3 times (at this point I had it downloaded). One of my small group members asked me how it was going and I told her I redownloaded it. She kind of asked me why but in a sense of, why are you disobeying God. I texted her that God was speaking through her in my journey of singleness but apparently I’m weak. I don’t want to feel alone and I don’t want to ruin any potential connections. I’m really struggling with this because it’s not easy.

Bumble provides me with a means of instant gratification. A means of mapping my potential connections with people who I never (or unlikely) would have met otherwise. I like being complimented and I like feeling like I’m valuable. I know this is not the right way to do it. I want to delete it again but I can’t bring myself to do so. In particular, there is one guy who I am talking to on there kind of off and on but I don’t want to ruin that potential friendship. I’ve decided to stop swiping but keep the app just to see if he responds or not. In a week, I will make my decision to delete it altogether if God’s will desires it.

In other news, I don’t know when I’m starting my co-op position for the summer. I don’t know what date we are starting or what project we are doing so that’s giving me some anxiety. I’m trying to plan everything around that but I can’t if I don’t know when we will be starting. My sister is going to Mexico too and I can’t even go because I don’t know when my co-op is starting. I’m feeling very sad about this and some major FOMO. My friends are also going to Vegas, which I just found out two days ago and they invited me to come but I for sure can’t go because I’ll be missing the first few days of my co-op and I can’t do that. I’m just feeling stressed and anxious about this right now.

My finals are also not finished yet so there is another source of stress. I’m feeling sad and alone, like I can’t really do anything to help myself with this exam. I’ve been studying hard over the past few weeks but there’s just so much information to know and not that much time yet, as well as my limited brain capacity. I know I just need to power through for the next few days but it’s been hard. It’s been really hard. I’m at a very low point right now in my journey to freedom and just in general. Let me know what you guys think of if you’re experiencing the same things.

Love always,

-R

Hey guys,

Welcome back to my blog and welcome if you are new. If I didn’t tell you already, I’m a lifeguard and swimming lessons instructor. My weekend consisted of me working two shifts and teaching for a total of 5.25 hours. If you aren’t aware, that’s quite a bit of time in the water. My skin feels really shriveled because I haven’t taught in a while.

My morning today was quite productive. I went to church at 9am and it was fantastic. The topic was singleness and I felt like it was really relevant to my life right now and my life after I die, hopefully in heaven. We are born single and die single and that’s something that I found to be really profound. We are single in heaven or in hell, despite our marriage or relationships in our lives on earth. God says that married men and women are concerned with worldly possessions but that single men and women are concerned with knowing and loving the lord. I found that all very fascinating and in my weakness, I do hope that I find someone one day but until that day comes, I will be happy in my singleness, not looking for anyone or anything to settle for.

I went to the gym right after church and it was really nice because it wasn’t too busy. I was able to use all of the machines that I wanted to with the time that I had and I felt really good about myself after my workout. Then work came and well you pretty much know the rest. The pool was extremely busy and I felt like someone was going to drown at any moment but we made it through alive and well.

Some things that I’m grateful for right now:

1. The time that I have to study for my exam. Although it is really late in the exam period, I am still working and studying now and trying to ace this exam.
2. Blankets. I’m sitting in my bed right now under my blankets and my feet are really toasty. It’s the small things that make life great!
3. The pool that I work at. Yesterday I was at the other, more busy, pool and I didn’t really enjoy it. I found that I was always doing something and that I could never sit down. I worked at my main pool today and I really missed it.

Thanks for tuning in and I’ll talk to y’all next time. Apparently I’m country now because I said y’all but anyways, until next time.

Love you lots,

-R

Okay guys, so I did a thing yesterday morning.

I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to delete Bumble. I had Tinder before and I actually met my ex-boyfriend on there but he just wasn’t my soulmate and that’s okay. Anyways, so I have Bumble to make myself feel better and increase my self-esteem. I quickly realized that I wasn’t going to find quality guys on there and I wasn’t really looking for that. It was the fact that I was able to flirt in a healthy way. So my motives kind of changed and I had it for three reasons.

1. I wanted some new people to go hiking with and be able to drive me in the snow (because I don’t have snow tires)
2. I was looking for someone to take new photos of me so that I could amp up my instagram game
3. I wanted someone to fix the clock in my car because it’s broken and just very annoying.

I thought it was a really harmful thing to have it downloaded. It wasn’t a sin and I was just procrastinating my studies and enjoying my time on there. I slowly began to realize that it was actually hurting me to go on there. I was constantly seeking the approval of others and using flirtation as a “drug of choice” in that I needed it to be happy.

I went through a point a few weeks ago where I decided that I was going to delete it but for some reason I just couldn’t bring myself to delete it. I didn’t want to just ghost the people I was talking to and delete my profile. I decided not to because I almost felt like it was an addiction that I couldn’t get rid of. I felt desired by swiping and like I had more value. My self esteem increased from all the matches that I received.

I spent a lot of my time procrastinating homework and constantly checking the app. It was really bad and I think that I didn’t have enough time to do my homework because of it. I stayed up late swiping, phase delaying my circadian rhythm and making it harder for me to wake up and making me fall asleep later and have a more difficult time falling asleep.

So a day went by, and I redownloaded it..

I decided to just check up on my messages because I didn’t delete the profile, I just received one message and it made me feel kind of bad about myself. It made me not want to be a part of that anymore. My standards are high in real life so why am I having them set so low on the app?

So I am currently on day two of this journey and I’m going strong. I decided to delete instagram so that I could study more as well. I find that I unlock my phone and don’t really know what to do. It’s kind of depressing but it makes me not really want to keep my phone with me because the only apps that I am distracted by now are Facebook and Youtube. Studying for finals has been a journey.

1. My supervisor is very accomodating and I really like her. She let me take tomorrow off because work really needs me
2. My coworkers are amazing and set up my equipment and helped me clean up
3. I have a lovely break room that I can stay in with a fridge and table with plugs and I can basically stay as long as I want.

I know all of these were work related but I’m currently here studying so it has been really great being able to work in a quiet environment with my friends.

Hey guys,

So yesterday I went to a new church. I thought it was pretty exciting, I’m not sure how you guys feel about this. Y’all are probably indifferent to this but I went to a new church nonetheless. I was super pumped to do this because it was a new experience for me. It actually turned out to be the grand opening of this new location by my house so that was pretty cool. I saw my friend there, let’s call him Wyatt. So Wyatt went to the 9am service and I wanted to sleep because I went to a concert. (Side note, Jack & Jack were amazing and I touched Jack Gilinsky’s hand. My sister touched both of their hands too). So I wen to the 10:30am service and I saw him with some friends before I went to the 10:30am service. As soon as he saw me, he gave me a hug… A HUG. Now this was the third or fourth time he’s given me a hug in the span of two months so I thought that was a little weird. Nonetheless, I gave him a hug.

Now, on Friday (3 days ago) I went to a church service that was just for young adults. It’s once a month and basically like 100 young adults get together and just worship so that’s pretty sick. I invited him to come and he brought like 10 friends. I spoke with him for probably 3 minutes and then he decided that it was time to leave. He introduced me to a friend who he brings to our regular church service on sundays so that was okay. But then he said he had to leave and he left with this random chick who I had never met. I just thought it was weird because he randomly brought this girl when I invited him to this thing.

Okay, so yesterday (Sunday) in the evening, I decided to go to my regular church (also young adults) because I knew that he was going to be there. I ended up seeing my friends there and I talked with them after the service but he didn’t speak to me once. He didn’t even say bye to me after he left so that was a things. Anyways, so my sister and one of my good friends are both trying to set me up with him because he’s a really sweet guy bu I don’t know. I feel like I’m the one going up to him and putting in effort to talk to him. I see him at school and he’s always so friendly and chats with me at school but I don’t know.

Another thing is that my friend, let’s call him Alan, who also goes to the same church as me in the evenings (the young adults one) decided to tell Wyatt that I liked him even though I don’t know how I feel. So yeah, Wyatt thinks I like him, I don’t know how I feel, my sister and friend are trying to set me up with him, and he’s giving me mixed messages. Let me know what you guys think of this whole situation. Am I acting crazy or is he just being dumb?

Things I’m grateful for:

1. The new church. That was actually super exciting
2. Contacts. They make able to see when I have makeup on because my glasses ruin the foundation on the sides of my nose.
3. Makeup. You always got my back for making my face look less like trash and smoothing out my imperfections.

Love always,

-R